It’s amazing how certain things that have gone on and happened in your life, can completely change perspective or impact wise. For instance, two days ago I was taking a shower and the random thought of 9/11 popped into my head, in fourth grade, just a mere boy unable to understand what was occurring. At that age to tell you the truth I quite frankly didn’t even care, what impact would something like that matter to me and my life. But a decade later I see the whole instance with new lenses, a larger understanding of the effect of that event has placed on the me and my generation. The war our country was engaged in for a number of years, still occupying a number of countries still now in the middle east, the massive amount of debt placed on our country, with the next generation left to pick up the tab. I digress, things really take on a new shape overtime, its a very interesting phenomena.
People completely overestimate their own importance and impact on those around them and the world to an extent. As i cruised through my school library looking over religious works, trying to find something specifically on atheism, as it is something I believe the most realistic belief system, my own idea’s of life sparked in my head. Many people in my eye’s seem to not readily either except or realize how minuscule and fragile we are as beings and that if we were to vanish from the universe nothing would really stop or be lost. We each individually must live our lives to the fullest because almost as ants atop an anthill, everything could be gone and lost without a moments notice. I definitely want to live my life being aware of if I were to die that other than those close to me the world would move on within even a small shutter, so I take advantage of the opportunity that is life, so when I as a being fade into the ether of nothing that consumes us all, it can be done so with a smile on my face.
Spring Break is done with, now back to school which seems like that far out distant relative you use too, but don’t see as family anymore. During school everything can get amped mentally then your hit with this immediate calm and freedom, then you have to get it back into school mode within seven days. Which for me is a really hard thing too do I’ve been completely entrenched in dread with the upcoming days of classes because with spring break I’ve gotten the sweet taste of summer and I want it badly but school is the tunnel with the light at the end that seems to become forever farther to reach.
I very often find myself comparing myself to my peers on an intellectual, social, and even physical level because its hard to really measure myself anyway else. Many times I come up with things that I think I’ll be able to start and maintain to better myself and mostly it ends up being bullshit on my part. Foremost I feel as though my intellectual stature as it is, is not very much, I sometimes just really try and think about what I’ve really learned up to this point in my life, it doesn’t feel like much. By much I really mean nothing at all almost. I’m in my second year of college, ahead a semester credit wise, taking classes for my major but I feel i haven’t retained much of anything. Such a thing cannot be blamed upon anything or one other than myself, I’ve surmised that I have a grave inefficiency in studying and even in knowing that what i will do to change it. This all seems so stupid and easily fixable considering here’s a problem and there’s your solution but “laziness” is and has always been as Michael C. Hall’s character Dexter would say “my dark passenger.” I tell myself that this semester on campus is gonna be different I’m gonna hang out more and be more social but I am now more seclusive here at school than I’ve ever been. I’m 19 now and one thing I have learned is among everything the only person ever really holding you back is yourself, even knowing this I’ll probably have lapses in stupidity still on what things beyond what I’ve mentioned need to change. My burgeoning childhood has quickly evaporated into a burgeoning adulthood and I need to act as such and make most of my life, rid myself of my dark passenger which Is really much more than laziness but more-so largely myself.